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When faced with a blank canvas, before you lies the foundation of a structure limited solely by the capabilities of the mind. That structure is entirely yours to create, shaped by years of lived experience that have occurred up to (and including) that moment. 

Recently, I've come to realize that I find myself paralyzed by these infinite possibilities. 

Paralyzed by a series of "what-ifs".

When given a set of tools to create whatever I desire, I find it incredibly difficult to even get started. There are so many things that I could do, what is it that I really want to do? 

I have been given a life; a set amount of time that I must use carefully before it expires. And that time is slowly slipping away. The blank canvas is still very much before me, each day its surface a little bit more aged than it was the day before. For as long as I've been alive that canvas has been there, waiting for me to do something with it. And yet, I don't. 

I just can't.

I don't know what it's supposed to be.

I don't know what I'm supposed to be. 

To set aside the canvas metaphor for just a moment, there are some days where I think that I want to be an artist. On these days, I look through so much of the beautiful art that inspires me, applying pen to tablet in an attempt to try to create something, anything really.

Other days I want to be a writer, typing away at a document containing a clutter of characters, settings, themes, and ideas.

Some days I'm certain that I want to be a musician. A composer? Sure! A performer? Why not! I write my little songs, play my little instruments and record my silly little voice.

Now I want to make a game! Never mind, it's time to start making cosplays and tailoring clothes! Wait! I think I could be a comedian or an actor... Gee this whole streaming thing is kinda fun, oh yea whatever happened to that whole art thing. Poll dancing would be kinda sick though...

It's all a mess. There are so many things that I'd like to pursue, but not enough time to do all of them. And so it would be one thing if I would at least work on something, use the limited time I have to do that which I enjoy. Instead, however, I do nothing. 

Inactive.

Paralyzed.

So incredibly overwhelmed by the possibilities of the infinite that I find myself drowning in a sea of unrealized promise.

And I don't know how to get out. 

Hello chatmembers :) It's been a while!

I haven't been keeping up with the website, but I honestly think that's a good thing! I could best summarize what's been going on as "I'm not writing about doing work, instead I'm just doing the damn work."

Things have been pretty good! I've been able to keep myself busy pretty much every day. I've adopted a routine where I try to work on at least one productive thing every day, even if it's not the same thing. Some days I play bass, other days I do art, maybe I go to the gym or work on something else, but the point is that I'm doing something semi-productive every day! (Sometimes I'm even able to do multiple things!)

I do take breaks however; I can't let myself get entirely self-obsessed with my work, lest I end up burning myself out and ending this cycle of productivity entirely. Every few days I'll go out and spend some time with my girlfriend*, and it's been pretty nice! We spent New Year's Eve together at a party and we almost missed our New Year's kiss because I went to go pee about two minutes before midnight. I don't want to get too sappy or divulge too much information about my romantic relationships, but let me just say that I love her very much and I'm very happy to have her in my life.  

But honestly, that's been the bulk of what's been going on these last few months. A lot of just... being busy. It's good! 

I suppose that there are a few other notable events that I could bring up - My car. My beautiful, beautiful, 2000 Ford Mustang is no more. While driving home one night from mom's house, I noticed a lot of smoke coming from my car roughly eight minutes from home. I was sure that the problem would get much worse. Thankfully, my car gave me the final gift of getting me home safely. It didn't die on me when I had to get somewhere quickly, it didn't die on me leaving me stranded on the side of the road. Through noise and smoke, that car managed to drop me off at home at the end of my day. 

Once I got home, I opened up the hood to find oil all over the engine bay. I couldn't tell if a hose or a pipe had burst, or if something more serious had happened, but I could easily tell that the car wasn't drivable in this state. It's been a long time coming. That car got me through the first years of my adult life - I ended up putting almost 100,000 miles on it over eight years. The car is about 23 years old and almost hit a total of 300,000 miles, so to say that it went above and beyond what a car should do is an understatement. I'm not entirely sure what the current issue is, so I have no perspective on how serious or expensive the damages actually are. Maybe it's a simple repair, maybe it's something catastrophic. In either case, I came to the difficult conclusion that it might not be worth it to put even more money into it. Besides the issue with the exploded oil, the heater wasn't working, the radiator was filled with sludge, it would overheat and start mildly smoking if it was idling with the vent on for too long, sometimes it sounded like it was about to give out - a whole slew of things that I'd still have to deal with even if I fixed this main issue.

I don't believe that I've mentioned it on this blog, but for the last few months my car has been leaking oil and power steering (add that to the list of things wrong with it). I took it to the mechanic who said that it would be very expensive to fix the leaks, and quite frankly suggested that it might not be worth it. Essentially, he said, "I can fix this and it'll be expensive, and there's no guarantee that this car will last you much longer." 

And so even if I were to put thousands of dollars into this car to fix everything currently wrong with it, it wouldn't be unlikely that something more serious could come along, and I'd have to just buy a new car or put even more money into it. And I love that car, but I also fundamentally understand sunk cost fallacies. So with this latest development, I realized that it was time to say goodbye. As of writing this it's still in my possession, but I'm hoping that someone will take it off my hands soon.

With that: I now drive a 2016 Ford Mustang >:3 

That thing is absolutely insane. It's only a six-cylinder but it's crazy how much power it can output. Getting to 100mph is stupid easy, it doesn't even break a sweat. With my previous car I'd get to 95mph and it'd feel as though I was playing with fire (the paint would start chipping off making it feel even more dramatic than it already was haha). This new car is definitely far more cozy I will admit, but I have a soft spot for the original. Something about its sharper design really stands out to me a bit more than the one that I'm currently driving. Maybe it's just the sentimental attachment, but I genuinely think that it's objectively a beautiful design. My new car is pretty though, so maybe I'll grow more fond of it as time progresses. My goal is to give it a Good Smile Racing vinyl wrap and put "ads" for some of my favorite things. Basically I'd drive what looks like a racecar! 

Unfortunately, this car carries car debt, and while I was able to put a significant down payment on it, I'm a bit worried about being able to make continued payments. I'm sure that everything will be okay, it's just a concern that's regularly on the back of my mind. If I'm able to get a stable job, I'm sure that that concern will subside. 

On that note, while I don't want to, I'm thinking about maintaining my current position at the University so that I can have a reliable source of income to make car and rent payments. 

On THAT note, I might be moving in with my girlfriend soon! (Which is also why I need to keep my job despite how apathetic I am towards it. If it doesn't pan out I'll find something else in the meantime, even if it pays less.) 

But I'm positive that everything will work out. I know that everything will be okay.

I'm excited for what's to come in the following months. 2023 was a good year, especially in the latter half as I was finally able to start getting my mental health under control and be an actual person. Anti-depressants are a hell of a drug. They aren't exclusively responsible for my recent growth and development, without therapy I wouldn't have been able to make it with anti-depressants alone, but I feel as though they definitely are the little boost I needed to really get going. 

There will be bad days, that's to be expected and I suppose that to some extent, welcome. For once the bad days pass, it's back to the good, and I'll try to appreciate every good day that I have, until they too pass. 

*I have a girlfriend now! Remember that person from Comic-Con a few months ago? Yea...
They asked me out late November, I want to say maybe the 26th? Somewhere around there. I'll have to ask them to see if they know hehe. 

I'm very glad that I don't run a Patreon or a Kickstarter or something that may involve sending out updates or newsletters on a regular basis. In truth, there isn't really a whole lot going on at the moment. I almost reported a dead child a few weeks ago, applied (and was rejected) for a position to be one of ScottFalco's editors, and that's it really? 

I've been going out a lot more so at least there's that. 

Regarding the child: Everything's fine. I was pulling out of my apartment one day when I saw what I thought was a very humanoid-shaped root. As I looked closer at it though, I realized that it was a very humanoid-shaped root. I could make out features like legs, toes, hands, all of which were proportionate in size to a two-year old-toddler. By this point I was already on the road, steadily driving past, trying to process what the hell I was looking at. From what I could gather, I was looking at the corpse of a child with deformities to the limbs, having been bent and shaped in such a way that would make movement difficult if not impossible. My mind immediately came to the conclusion that this was a child left to die on the side of the road from parents who refused to care for a child with disabilities. I was enraged. Sad? Befuddled? I'm not sure.

But I know that I have to do something. So I turn around, park on the side of the road, and get ready to call emergency services. I'd begun to type the numbers on my phone when I paused for a second. I didn't want to make a call to emergency services, only to realize that it was a whole load of nothing. I had to check. I had to make sure that what I was looking at was really a dead child. I didn't want to... but I felt that I had to confirm before doing anything else. With my phone in hand, I slowly step outside of the car and make my way to the corpse... Cautiously, worried, afraid... 

Before I stepped out of the car, I noticed a few other things about the child. Firstly, is that they were left bare, with not a single article of clothing anywhere on their body. I was going to be sick. And then I realized something else... Try as I might, I was unable to identify a head anywhere on the body. Only at one end opposite of the legs was I able to make out the vague shape of a lump of flesh where the neck would go, only for it to end far too abruptly. Despite the apparent abhorrent atrocities, I continued forward, with a sort of fear that I can't recall ever having felt, my resolve a boulder amidst a storm of emotions and thoughts.

As I get closer, I'm able to see in more detail the condition of the child. Skin that seemed as though it were roughened by sandpaper, legs twisted in such a way where you would think there were no bones, and to the complete and utter destruction to the sanctity of my mind:  Huge boobs. I mean some serious honkers. A real set of badonkers. Packin' some dobonhonkeros. Massive dohoonkabhankoloos. Big old tonhongerekoogers.

I was looking at what might have been one of the most morally bankrupt things I had ever seen, and I refused to see it any further. I have no idea what the hell I was looking at. I don't wanna know. 

What the fuck man.

Tonight my apartment smells like dog food :) 

As of this last year or so, I have begun to try to challenge myself to listen to new music. I understand that it may not seem like much of a challenge to other people, but as someone who finds comfort in familiarity and prefers to listen to the same album/song on loop for extended periods of time, it's rather difficult to break away from this and try to find something new. I'm not sure if I've touched upon this previously, but I find it easy to become overwhelmed when presented with an incredible or seemingly infinite amount of options. Music, of course, is a prime example of this. No matter what I do, I will never be able to listen to every song ever made.

Truthfully, some (if not most), would just not be my thing, so I wouldn't be missing out on much in that regard. Contrarily, however, there are some songs out there that I know I would absolutely fall in love with, songs that I'd go around touting as "my favorite song of all time", songs that remind me of the beauty of the human mind to generate intricate melodies, lyrics, compositions - and bring them out onto the real world to be shared and explored by others, songs that touch me and I mean TRULY touch me, that are capable of resonating with my own personal experiences, thoughts, and emotions in a way that nothing else could... and I will never come across them. It's a bit sad to think about, honestly.  

Perhaps I'm being overly dramatic. 

There are times where I do in fact fall in love with a song, only to second guess myself and think "This is a wonderful song, but somewhere out there is a song that I'd like even more. Knowing that I will never find that song, I am settling for this." Which I understand is a terrible (and rather flawed) way of viewing things. I'm comforted solely by the idea that, even if I did stumble across this mythical ideal song, I'd still find myself thinking "There is something even better out there that I'll never find" without realizing that I'd already found it.

Never satisfied, I suppose.

It becomes even more reassuring when I consider first that there isn't just the one song that will truly resonate with me; there would be several! Each meaningful and impactful for one reason or another, affecting me in such a unique way that no other song would ever be able to. Music, after all, is a subjective and personal experience. Two people will never quite experience the same song in the exact same way. There can be substantial overlap, of course! But it will never be the exact same experience. The people in question will have lived different lives with different attitudes, different perspectives, different world views etc., etc. It is, fundamentally, a human experience! - To participate in a shared enjoyment of something, and yet, be able to find a unique experience in that shared moment. 

It's wonderful. 

Furthermore, I am comforted by the idea that maybe I've already stumbled across at least a few of these songs that would truly resonate with me. The enjoyment of music isn't competitive; I shouldn't try to min-max my enjoyment of it. Sure, there may be songs out there that I would absolutely adore that I'll never listen to, but that shouldn't discredit the music that I have been able to find that I've fallen in love with. All things relative, the odds of having found the songs and artists that I have are drastically low.

They are the result of the compounding day-to-day experiences that make up the entirety of my life. Dating a girl who loves Daft Punk and playing her favorite songs in my car as we commute to school every day, discovering Vansire while painting a wall one day and letting my YouTube music playlist go on for a bit longer than it usually does, falling into the City Pop genre by complete accident after seeing a shitpost video on Instagram - it's all the little things that add up and make us a mosaic of the things that we love. 

To get back to my initial point, all that should really matter is that I have been able to stumble across music that I genuinely enjoy; Music that I love listening to, singing to, playing along to... Music that I'm sincerely glad to have been able to find in the first place. Especially given that I run into a rather viscous practice of listening only to the things that I already enjoy, leaving little room to find new things.  

I'm doing my best to break out of that. 

For the longest time I'd listen only to video game OST's. Nothing wrong with this, of course, music for video games should be taken just as seriously and sincerely as music made beyond that medium. But that did leave a lot of music just barely beyond this tunnel-visioned preference. Despite this, as mentioned earlier, within the last year or so I've been doing my best to broaden my scope and look beyond the familiar, towards the new and unknown. I've stumbled across so many wonderful new songs and artists in the ever-growing sphere of independent musicians, and I hope to continue to find more. 

Admittedly, this does still leave me with a blind spot for certain categories of music, most notably that which is more mainstream and supported by multibillion-dollar record labels. Not to say that mainstream music is bad or anything like that (though for years, especially in my late teens I held that to be the case), it's just that I find much more pleasure and enjoyment in finding music by smaller artists, who make things with just as much passion and heart (if not more) than those supported by a major record label. And so I'd rather focus my attention and my support towards independent musicians where the impact is much stronger and more notable than it would be when compared to mainstream artists.

That said, Andrew has created a playlist for me of "Important Songs" (that's the title he gave it, I promise I'm not being snarky) that I should listen to. I've been trying to get through it, but after a few songs I say "I've had enough, I need something familiar!" and I revel in the familiar for days/weeks on end. Only after some time has passed am I able to get back into the headspace where I can comfortably resume listening to this new world of music... it's a work in progress... I promise I'm trying... 

Right! One of the artists that I discovered is Last Dinosaurs, an Australian punk rock band.

Well a few weeks ago, I received an email from Spotify saying something along the lines of "You might be interested to know that this band you seem to like is touring your city." Initially, I wasn't sure if I should go or not. My reservations stemmed mostly from the fact that I didn't want to spend $40 on an event that I wasn't even sure I'd enjoy, plus driving through downtown is a real pain in the ass and I usually avoid it whenever possible. But then I considered how a lot of tours usually overlook my city (despite it being one of the largest in the country), so it was a miracle that something I enjoy was making a stop here in the first place. It gets even more miraculous when I realized that this was a smaller band from outside the country, that I found by complete accident, semi-recently, so the likelihood of everything lining up perfectly seemed nearly impossible. With that in mind, I figured it wouldn't hurt to give it a try! After all, worst case scenario I'm out $40 and a missed Saturday night.  

This one definitely felt more like my first "real" concert. Not to discredit the previous outdoor venue I attended (that was an absolute wild time and I'm SO glad that I went), it's just that this most recent event felt more in line with what a traditional concert experience would be; the previous one I think felt more like a party with live music from different bands than a concert, if that makes sense. 

There were a lot more people attending than I was expecting, which was nice as it allowed me to see firsthand the support for indie music (especially for a group that I like) in my own local community. Three bands played that night, opening first with Bathe Alone. I unfortunately don't have much to say about them; I hadn't known who they were until they took the stage. I do recall enjoying some of what they played, so I intend to give some of their songs a listen to see how I actually feel about them. 

Their set ended after about an hour, and it took maybe 25 minutes before Last Dinosaurs got on stage. It was during this downtime that I witnessed probably one of the greatest and most brilliant intermissions of all time. I was a bit taken aback by it at first, as I thought that there was some sort of mistake with the background video. I'm sitting comfortably against a wall near a far-end corner of the venue when all of a sudden I hear one of the most iconic sounds of my childhood: The THX logo. Already I'm having a difficult time understanding why the hell that was playing, before long the video starts to talk about how DVD video can provide a "true cinematic experience" that a VHS could never hope to achieve.

???? 

What ???

I ended up getting distracted by something else I think, as my attention drifted away from the stage. At least, until I heard the sounds of a crowd gasping with excitement and anticipation. Thinking that the show's about to start, I turn my attention back to the stage only to see the DVD logo moving across the screen, moving in a path where it seemed almost certain that it would hit the corner.

"oooooooooooHHHHHH- awwwww..." 

It just barely missed the corner. 

It was so incredibly stupid yet I was absolutely enthralled with the absurdity of it all. A whole bunch of Zoomers staring at a screen, watching the DVD logo bounce around, eagerly awaiting the cathartic moment when it inevitably hits the corner. It's genius. It is, and I mean this with the utmost sincerity, probably the greatest intermission screen of all time. It's simple. It's engaging. It transcends language and culture, capable of being understood in its entirety solely by the commonality of the human spirit. And yet, it gets better.

I, of course, had joined in on the excitement; I mean, how could I not, it's such a cute moment where a bunch of strangers look with genuine excitement at a logo bouncing around a screen, come on it's cute! My attention does end up shifting, however, but even then, every time I hear the crowd's excitement begin to rise, I turn to the screen so that I wouldn't miss that one pivotal moment. 

And eventually... It happens...

"oooooooooooHHHHHH"

 *Loud Cheering and Applause*

The DVD logo hits the corner. Cue the entry of Last Dinosaurs.

Absolutely phenomenal. Entertain the audience by giving them a bouncing DVD logo, reward them for their patience by giving them the satisfaction of seeing the logo hit the corner, and have this indicate the entry of the band. 

I am absolutely stealing this. 

Now I don't mean to thirst. I really don't. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel something seeing those dudes on stage. There is something absolutely wild about a group of half-Australian half-Japanese half-Something-or-Other dudes wearing suits while occasionally speaking Spanish. (I think one of them was even partially Scottish, Tedd finally gets desperately needed representation). But a group of four attractive guys wearing suits playing mesmerizing songs, it's like The Beatles if they were good. Though in all fairness, seeing that concert live allowed me to finally understand why some people thirst for bandmembers. I don't think I walk among you, but I understand. 

Fantastic players, the lot of them. Each really funny and charismatic in their own way.

The border to Mexico is literally five minutes away, and a large portion of the local population is Latin-American/Hispanic, meaning that Spanish is a very predominant language here. And every so often, between songs as the band was hyping up the crowd, they would do their best to speak in Spanish. I understand that it's probably such a minor thing, but I genuinely appreciate it whenever someone tries to speak in a language that they may not be fluent in as a sign of consideration for the person/persons they are interacting with. That said, their Spanish was actually pretty good! And with God as my witness I am NOT thirsting, but the whole thing coupled with sweet nothings delivered by pretty boys with Australian-tinted Spanish... it hits different... Perhaps God deliberately wasn't looking...

I'm gushing though, I'm gushing. 

Boy-liker tendencies aside, their music and playing was such a wonderful thing to be able to see live. If I recall correctly, they started off with "Sense" which is one of my favorite songs, so if I wasn't already ecstatic, that would definitely have helped get me hyped. Unfortunately I can't remember the entirety of their setlist, but I do remember that at one point they played another one of my favorite songs, "Flying" which is a song where a good bit of it is in Spanish. Turns out the singer of this song in particular lived in Mexico for a bit, which really puts things into perspective. I love the recorded version that they have on streaming and music platforms, but the way that they played this song was something I wasn't expecting. It had a very slow build-up before getting into the "standard" version of the song, avoiding incorporating one of the main harmonies (the ascending guitar riff) until the song was fully up to speed. I was floored. Really makes me wish that this version was available somewhere so that I could re-listen to it, but at the same time this allowed me to have a greater appreciation for the performance of live music, a greater appreciation for living the moment-to-moment. So good!

If it isn't obvious, I highly recommend checking out the Last Dinosaurs discography. Here are a few songs that I personally like which might be a good place to get started:

• • • Eleven

    • Flying 

    • Sense 

At one point I was almost in tears; they took a slight break from their music to play a medley featuring bits of songs from other artists, one of which was Daft Punk's "Robot Rock". Although I might have missed out on the opportunity to see Daft Punk live, those few measures allowed me to see what it could have been like; a sample of an experience left unfamiliar. 

It was so sad to see them play their final song and give the stage a farewell. Immediately after they finished I felt compelled to go to the lobby where the merch was being sold, as I figured they might hang out there for a bit to interact with their fans. I was right! At least partially. There was only one of them who stopped by to talk with everyone, and almost immediately there was a huge line of people waiting for a photo or an autograph or whatever. I'm a bit embarrassed to say this but I wasn't even sure which of the people on stage he was. I was pretty far in the back and the lighting and ambiance of the stage usually made them out to be silhouettes; that or I was so awestruck that I didn't take the time to properly process their appearances. (He MIGHT have been the bassist). 

Now usually I'm one to stay away from crowds, so I decided to sit down instead and wait for the crowd to slowly leave. As I'm waiting, the entire time I'm trying to build up the nerve to speak to the guy, thinking about what I should say or if I should take a photo - running through the various possible scenarios so that I can at least talk to the guy and not look like (or be afraid of looking like) a complete tool. I would have loved to have taken a photo but I'm not particularly photogenic, and I was afraid that a bad photo would have soured the moment for me. Then I thought it would be weird if I was the one guy who didn't ask for a photo because who doesn't have a phone in 2023 (I recognize that this sentence makes no sense. There is no logical structure to this statement. There was no logical structure to the original thought process lmao).

By this point the queue was empty and the guy was talking to one last person. Before I could get cold feet I stood up and made my way towards him. When I meet him, he extends his hand, offering a handshake, and I (for whatever reason) did the classic "I'm so excited to meet you I'm going to shake your hand with both of my hands" handshake, something that I've NEVER done before. (At least, not unintentionally. In the past I might have done so deliberately, intending to give the other person a feeling of importance and have them see me as an excited stranger to establish a non-existent power dynamic. We do a little bit of slight social manipulation, as a treat.) I try to explain that I've only recently become a fan of their work as of a few months ago, that I love what they've done, and that I look forward to whatever they do next. It's probably fine, right? He expressed his gratitude and told me that they've got some other stuff coming up, to which I said I look forward to, and that I hope they continue what they're doing. A bit redundant at the end there I will admit, but I think it could have gone far worse. 

While I had been waiting to meet the guy, I spent a good bit of time looking at the items available for sale and their prices. At the time, the idea of buying something wasn't even remotely on my mind, I think I was mostly looking to distract myself from my nerves. I noticed that there was a signed poster for sale for $40, and some shirts in the $35 range. After the interaction I found myself at the merch table, as though some unseen force had gravitated me towards it. Thinking it would be a good idea to get something to remember the occasion, I asked for one of the signed posters. Then I see a shirt that features the same design as the poster, and figured I might as well. I didn't really want to spend $75 on merch that night, especially since I now have a new outlook on buying things that I don't need and/or that won't offer any practical purpose, but I thought "Why not."

I recognized the sheer luck that I was able to attend a concert like this in the first place. Then I considered that attending concerts like this isn't something that I do regularly. And then I thought about why I was there. That night, I was there to have a unique experience, and to support independent musicians. I understand that touring can be a tough and risky endeavor, and I wasn't sure how "worth it" they saw stopping by my city was. Did they sell as many tickets as they hoped? Were they disappointed with the turnout? These things aren't really my problem, I get it. But I still wanted to show my support, appreciation, and gratitude for them having given me this experience. So, I got a cool shirt and a poster to commemorate the night. 

There was one final band that had begun to play as I was leaving the merch station, The Vacations, but at this point I was exhausted, no idea why. If they're touring with Last Dinosaurs there's bound to be some overlap in musical tastes, so I'll try to give them a listen as well whenever I get a chance. With merch in hand and nerves settling down, I left!

Hello readers! All two of you! Three? I dunno. Big things happened this week! As usual, I'll start with the less important topic of discussion, but I promise that I'll keep it brief (you know, the way it SHOULD be).

I bought a black turtleneck sweater! Previously, I'd had no interest in adding a turtleneck sweater to my wardrobe, but then I saw Ludwig wear one while he was hosting Mogul Money and I thought "damn" (insert lip bite emoji here). Anyway, it took me a while but I finally found one at a thrift shop: An H&M turtleneck sweater for only four bucks! There was a hole about an inch wide on one of the sleeves that I hadn't noticed until yesterday after I washed it, but I tried my hand at sewing for the first time and it seamed to work out (hehe). 

Alright, nice, brief, aside now over, here's the big update from this week: I went to a party for the first time! Remember that friend from Comic Con who also invited me to that one concert venue? They had a birthday party and invited me to go! At first I was incredibly hesitant about going; on one hand, I really wanted to go as this seemed like the next "big step" in trying to get myself out there and meet and talk to new people. But on the other hand, new thing scawy（>﹏<）

No but in all sincerity, I was very nervous about going to a party for the first time.

Nervous? 

Anxious? 

Afraid? 

Something.

I'm still not sure what, honestly. But I know that for every part of me that wanted to go, an equal part would have preferred to stay home, surrounded by the comforting familiarity of the predictable. At one point, I was beginning to fear that the decision would not be made solely by me, but also by some bacteria and microbes chilling in the back of my throat. I had begun to feel a sore throat and fatigue a few days before the party, leading me to think that I wouldn't be able to go due to getting sick. And this absolutely wasn't a fake excuse, I'd already gotten sick when I was invited to a previous party some weeks ago, and I did not want to seem like I was saying "Oh sorry I can't go I'm sick  ╮(. ❛ ᴗ ❛.)╭", as I felt that that would give off a terrible impression. (Side note: To any gamers that don't want to go do something, don't lie and say that you're sick, just be honest.)

Anyway, that friend of mine recently started to work at a local tea shop and I figured it would be a good idea to visit them while they're working. Plus, I could get some tea to help out with whatever I had going on. I was at work when I noticed the soreness becoming more evident, so once everyone was out for lunch I took a moment to step out of the office and stop by the tea shop!

From what I recall the shop was empty, so there was no delay in getting to talk to my friend. I explained the whole thing (including the bit about actually getting sick and having to say "I can't go I'm sick" and understanding that that might sound like an excuse given that that's what happened last time I was invited-) and they served me up a tea. All I remember is something, something, apple, ginger. I'm not much of a tea person so anytime I drink tea it's usually because I have to (because I'm sick or something), and quite frankly, it's never a pleasant experience where I say "Wowie this is amazing I'm going to drink this all the time" [unlike coffee].

The tea wasn't bad. I'm sure that if I had the acquired taste for it it would have been enjoyable. Yet, as I was drinking it I could tell that I was doing so solely out of a sense of obligation to my immune system and the little white blood cells that were doing their best to help me. Despite this, after a few hours I was feeling much better, so much so that by the next day I had felt perfectly fine! With that, the "I can't go to the party I'm sick" excuse fell right out the window. 

I'd decided that I was going. 

Perhaps not important but it feels worth mentioning, there was an optional theme to the birthday party: Masquerade. By the time I had decided to go, I had nothing to wear that would fit the theme, and most things on Amazon wouldn't arrive until after the party. Regardless, I did my best to buy things that could maybe work and could maybe arrive a day before the party. 

On the day of the party, I began getting ready several hours in advance, with the intent of giving myself the necessary time to chill out and prepare for what was to come. Unfortunately, in usual Stevie fashion, I was 95% ready an hour before I had planned to go, but couldn't get the last little bits of my outfit to come together. Eventually, after I was an hour late I gave up and decided to just go. 

And so I went.

As I pulled up to the house I noticed that there were several cars parked along the road close to where the party was. And from this, I knew that there were a lot of people. My original intention had been to arrive as one of the earlier guests to avoid becoming overwhelmed by the huge influx of new and (semi) familiar faces, allowing myself the time to acclimate to the new environment.

Clearly this wouldn't be the case.

I found a parking spot and turned off the car. 

But I just couldn't bring myself to get out.

Realistically, I might have sat there for only about 2 minutes, but it felt much longer.

I had an incredible desire to get out.

To go home.

To go back to what I know. 

Eventually, I mustered up the strength to let my friend know that I was there.

Eventually, I joined the party. 

It was touch and go at first. As expected, I was very nervous and unsure how to properly inhabit this new space that I was in. For about maybe the first hour I was glued to my friend, a parasite hanging onto its host for dear life. I tried my best to not come off as excessively needy or annoying, and I genuinely think that despite my being anxious about what was going on, we were both still having fun. If my friend wasn't having fun at all they clearly fooled me. I can't recall when or how, but at one point I stepped away to rest for a moment. 

I'm thankful that, much like the concert, everyone was very welcoming and considerate, checking in to make sure that I was doing okay. 

Here's the thing about parties, and I'd never stopped to consider it even though it's incredibly obvious in hindsight: A lot, if not most, of the people attending parties are extroverts. They are there because they thrive in an environment where they can interact, meet, and talk with people

 I. Am a person!

Through this, a lot of people approached and initiated a conversation WITH ME. I didn't have to worry about how to start things off, which is arguably my biggest barrier when it comes to new social interactions. Instead, I just had to focus on making a conversation which, I'm not sure how easy this is to believe, is definitely one of my strong suites. 

At one point someone offered me a drink and, seeing as how I was now beginning to feel more comfortable in this environment, I accepted! 

Hour after hour passed and I was having a lot of fun! I talked with a lot of pretty girls, got called pretty and received several compliments, and even got people to laugh here and there. At one point, I was sitting at an outside table with other people, watching someone spin fire [crazy!!], when someone started to pass a blunt around. When it was my turn I took that shit and smoked like a champ (˵•́ ◡▨)-▨¬. (Afterwards my friend mentioned that they didn't know I knew how to smoke, at which point I said that I didn't and that I was trying so hard to look like I knew what I was doing while looking casual about it lmao.)

I ended up being among the last to leave at about 5:30a.m. 

Suffice to say, I had a great time. 

Incredibly glad that I decided to go, and I'm genuinely looking forward to doing something like that again. A lot of those people seem to hang out at a local bar on Thursday nights, maybe I'll stop by sometime...

This week is better! I'd left out several details from what was going on previously, so why not fill in the gaps here:

For starters: I had a $400 car repair! :)
I drive a sportsy lil' old Mustang. By all accounts, that car should have been in a scrap yard years ago, but it's still kickin' after almost 300,000 miles. Anyways, for the last few years, I've had to slam the driver-side door to get it to close properly. (Mustangs have these long and heavy doors that put a lot of weight on the hinges, making this a semi-common issue.) So I can only assume that years of slamming the door finally wore out the latch mechanism, because one day after work, I try to close my door only to realize: it won't. 

"This stinks."

As a resident tinkerer, I usually try to mess around with my problems and see if I can stumble across a solution on my own before I turn to someone else. I immediately found the problem, but could tell that fixing it was something beyond me. Still, ever the optimist, I thought that there was a chance that some tape and a can of WD-40 would do the trick. After driving (very carefully) to the store, I bought the stuff and tried to apply the fix, only to realize that my previous assumption was right and that I'd have to take it to someone to get it fixed.

"This stinks!" 

During this, I noticed that because the car door was unable to close, the cockpit light wouldn't turn off (as though to suggest "Hey dummy you left your door open). I knew that if I didn't do anything about that light, my car would run out of battery during the night, leaving me unable to get to work (or get anywhere, for that matter).

Time to disconnect the battery!

 The battery with incredibly corroded terminals.

The battery with incredibly corroded terminals that I do not have the appropriate tools for....

I cut my finger trying to disconnect the battery.

Key word, "try". 

After about an hour of struggling to disconnect the battery, I was able to disconnect one of the terminals. 

The positive one.

The one that you apparently are never supposed to disconnect first. 

That's the one I disconnected BECAUSE I COULDN'T DISCONNECT THE OTHER ONE.

Although honestly even if I could have disconnected it, I probably would have still made the same mistake. I wasn't aware that it wasn't okay to disconnect the positive terminal first until after the fact. I came to learn of the repercussions of this error the following morning. After reconnecting the battery I found that my car wouldn't start.

"This STINKS!"

I called up roadside assistance who promptly told me that the battery was dead. As it turned out, I had cooked the battery and would need to buy a new one. 

"THIS STINKS!"

140 dollar battery by the way.

After getting the new battery in (I essentially tore open the corroded connectors and attempted to "un"-tear them to remake the connection) I still had to fix the underlying issue of getting the door closed so that the battery wouldn't die.

I visited a body shop essentially next door, who told me that they don't do that kind of work (which makes no sense to me but whatever), but that I should visit a mechanic closer to the downtown area. And so off I drive towards downtown, using every bit of my immense strength to keep the door closed and prevent an already bad situation from becoming infinitely worse. Once I get there I hear the first bit of good news in a while. They said that it might be possible to repair the latch that same day, and I'd be out of there within a few hours.

"This DOESN'T stink (relative to everything else that's gone on)! Yippee!"

BUT. It didn't pan out that way. Initially they had told me that replacing the latch would be difficult; because it is an older car, finding the part wouldn't be so easy. Thankfully, that same latch is used in a slightly newer model of my car, meaning that it was still possible to obtain an OEM replacement. The whole thing would run me about $260, and it wouldn't be done for a few days. 

Whatever.

At this point I'm just happy that an end to this whole thing is in sight. So for the next few days, I became a bus rider! 

"This stinks! - but only sometimes because this specific bus smells kinda weird."

It did kind of stink though... Having to wake up an hour earlier and spend a lot of time waiting for the bus to arrive wasn't a very pleasant experience. I am glad, however, that living in the city gives me the ability to even do this. The bus stops, while not terribly convenient to get to, aren't particularly inconvenient either. And, the bus is free! No having to worry about carrying exact change, just get on and go! It was nice to be able to get to work without having to worry about watching for pedestrians, other drivers, and the regular irregularities of the average commute. I even got some reading done!

Despite this, I still missed my car. 

While I can appreciate the practicality of the public transit system, I felt as though I had lost a sense of agency in having to wait and depend on someone else to get me home. I like the idea of taking the bus - in actuality, it's not perfect. Our motor vehicle infrastructure systems, while initially having public transit in mind, have instead prioritized car driving, thereby treating public transit as an after-thought. A bandage to a critical wound.

But, I think that even if the public transit systems were better designed and implemented, I would still prefer to drive. I understand that this is a somewhat selfish view, as having fewer cars on the road and relying less on personal vehicles would do a lot for local business, the environment, among several other things... Fundamentally, I think it's a cultural issue. Cars are such an integral part of American culture that being without one feels... wrong. I'm an advocate for the broader development and integration of public transit, but when push comes to shove, I've come to realize just how difficult it would be to embrace this, despite fully believing in this idea. It would take a while to adjust. That's what decades of automotive lobbying does, I guess. 

Since then, I'm back in the driver's seat. The mechanics even fixed the door sag, so now I don't have to slam the door anymore!

So that's that.

This post has become somewhat lengthy so I'll just provide a quick synopsis of something else that happened previously: 

A $300 package was lost in the mail and I'll be unemployed by March.

Joy!!!

I think I've gotten the package issue sorted out, and as for the employment thing: I'm glad to at least be given this much ample notice. Some people aren't aware that they're getting let go until the day of. I have a few months to figure something out, I just hope I actually figure something out.

I've begun to entertain the idea of going back to school, but I'm not sure if that's something I genuinely want to do or if I'm just going back to familiarity because it's comfortable. 

I dunno.

This week has been absolute dogshit. I'm trying hard to stay positive but fuck if every day don't seem to be wearing me down. I can feel myself wanting to return to the older negative habits that trap me in a cycle of frustration and inaction.

The sort of habits that pull my sense of agency away from me.

Habits leading towards a path of apathy.

The other day I spent all evening laying in bed scrolling through my phone, too physically and spiritually exhausted to do anything, which is not a good sign. 

I'm hoping that this is just a rough patch. Shit happens. It's understandable to feel like a fucking mess when absolutely nothing goes your way day in and day out. 

I'm trying to hold on.

Trying to stay.

Even when everything gets worse day by day.

But it'll be okay.

It'll be okay.

Right! In the previous post, I mentioned the gap between blog updates, saying that time got away from me and that that was a good thing. But I didn't really get around to explaining how time got away from me, and why that's a good thing. So let me do that now!

Basically: I'm working on stuff!

I've been streaming a whole lot less lately, and have been spending a huge chunk of time editing live streams. I'm having fun editing them, but there's a reason why I've been dreading the idea of editing for years.

There's just... so much... stuff...

So because it's taking me so long, I might just say "fuck it" and be very selective with what I decide to edit going forward. Cut my losses, edit only the past streams that I think are worth editing, and try to stay caught up with current streams going forward.

Ideally, I would run into a cycle where it's something like: Stream > Edit > Work on other stuff > Repeat

But I have to be honest, I would much rather focus more on the "Work on other stuff" portion. I think that realistically speaking, editing the streams won't really do much for me. It's a fun little thing that I've got going on, but given just how much of a time-sink it is and how much I'd rather put my energy towards other stuff, it's a bit of a tough pill to swallow. And realistically speaking, I doubt that anyone really cares - Truthfully, they shouldn't!

The only one who really cares is me, otherwise, why would I be doing it! Still, I recognize that this whole thing is done mostly out of a sense of self-indulgence. To comb through countless hours of video to cherry-pick the occasional seconds wherein I can establish the perceived notion that I am even mildly interesting or entertaining and therefore worth paying even the slightest bit of attention to, it's all a bit sad I suppose.

I recognize that how one spends their time is an incredibly important aspect of being alive. It is, quite literally, the entirety of what we do while we're alive.

We spend our time doing things, until our time is up.

And I am spending my time, with my "look at me, look at me" attitude desperately trying to get the attention of no one in particular, to fill a void created by a lack of self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-worth. 

Maybe that's one way to look at it. 

Maybe that's the overwhelmingly pessimist "Guy who hates social media and doesn't understand why people share so much of themselves online" point of view.

I suppose, then, that another way to look at it would be like this:

I like streaming. I think that it's a fun way to spend my time. It's one of the few ways where I've found that I can properly communicate and socialize with others, despite my incredible social anxieties. Directly or indirectly, it has had an undeniable impact on my life.

At it's core, it's something that I enjoy.

Most, if not all, of that enjoyment stems from being able to share a laugh with others. To stream with the hopes that everyone involved can have a good time; with the hopes, that I can have a good laugh, and maybe give someone else a good laugh as well. 

And so, then, I sit at my little desk, editing my silly little streams, all for the off chance that someone may stumble across the little things I've made, and have a little laugh. That's it. 

I'm sure that the overwhelming pessimist could take a look at that, ask if I understand that it may very well be a fruitless endeavor and blablabla lorem ipsum who cares. It's all perspective anyway. There very well may be some truth in what the pessimist is trying to convey, but to completely silence the optimist and attempt to write off the entirety of their words as false, would simply be incorrect. 

Reality is a constant. How we perceive it affects how we spend the remainder of our time. 

The perception of reality is an incredibly important aspect of being alive.

It is, quite literally, the lens with which we view the entirety of our lives. But much more than this, it is a critical role in shaping what it is that we do with the remainder of our lives. Shaping what we do with our time.

Until that time, is up.

So the pessimist can kiss my ass. Let me have a good time.

Once editing stops being fun, I'll stop.

Easy enough.

Hello everyone! I hadn't realized that it's almost been a month since the last blog update... oops (´-ω-`) I guess time really got away from me... But to be honest, that's a good thing! I'll talk about that more in just a minute, but let me get the unimportant stuff out of the way first.

From my childhood, I have very vivid memories of tattered boxers that I definitely should have gotten rid of sooner (I can't find a picture of them online but they had a design of a guy who was ballin'). But sometime around middle school, the awkwardness of the boy's locker room pushed me to make the switch from loose boxers to boxer briefs. I can't be certain, but I'm positive that this shift saved me from an incredibly embarrassing moment that would have haunted me for the rest of my life. 

But since then, I have been what some may refer to as a "Boxer-Briefs Andy", whatever that means. Not necessarily out of any firm belief that the boxer brief was the ultimate form of men's underwear (though recent research on my part does seem to lend some validity to this idea), but more so out of sheer comfort and familiarity. I'd worn boxer briefs for a long time, why stop?

Recently, however, I threw out various pairs of underwear that, much like before, I probably should have thrown away a while ago. And so, I went to Walmart, with the hopes of finding new briefs to avoid the panic of realizing that you need to do laundry because you're dangerously close to running out of clothes.

Here's the thing though. I am...

small

I am a skinny lil guy.

And it's rather hard to find clothes when you're a skinny lil guy. Stores have no problem stocking up to XXXL, but good luck finding any options whatsoever if you're a size small. You get one little sliver of shelf space that may be stocked if you're lucky. 

I, unfortunately, was not lucky that day. They did not have small boxer briefs at a cheap price. There were some available that were notably more expensive, and therefore notably less interesting. So, upon realizing this, I thought it would be a good time to pivot to something new: 

BRIEFS

I bought briefs.

All this is to say that I bought briefs and I'm kinda ballin. I bought a size small though, and they're still kinda big so I'm hoping that they'll shrink since I know my ass ain't gonna find extra small at Walmart. Apparently the *ladies* fuck with boxer briefs more so maybe I was on to something before. Ah well.

OKAY.

Big things happened, and I feel bad because I feel like most of my attention towards writing went to the absolutely unimportant stuff. 

Two weeks ago I went to a concert for the first time! Remember that friend I made at comic con? She first invited me to a birthday party (which is also another first for me since I've NEVER been invited to a party before), but I didn't go. Partially because I was still recovering from a sickness, but mostly because I got cold feet and was not ready to go out into a social setting like that. I wasn't sure if it was a genuine invitation where people would at least know that some new person was coming, or if it was just an offhand thing where nobody else would know why I was there. So I didn't go to that.

But, about a week or two later I get another message asking if I was up for socializing, along with a picture of a concert venue for a few indie bands that I hadn't heard of. It didn't help that I couldn't read the names of the bands because they were in your typical "illegible metal band font", but that at least gave me an idea of what the music would be like. Despite being incredibly uncomfortable at the thought of going to a concert surrounded by people I didn't know in a place that was essentially someone's backyard, I agreed to go!

Before going to the venue everyone met up at a main friend's house, and it was there that I was introduced to about 12 or more new people. 

That's way too many people. 

I was incredibly overwhelmed by the amount of new people, and it didn't help that they were smoking a bunch of cigarettes and weed, and drinking HOME BREWED MEAD???? It was a new environment for me for sure, and I was so incredibly out of my element. Everyone was at least nice and sympathetic though, so that definitely helped. They asked if I wanted to partake but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Not because of any feelings of guilt or fear or anything like that, but for me, being in that sort of group setting was already a bit much, and I didn't want to add more to it by adding weed and alcohol to the mix. I was also kind of nauseous because of my nerves, and I figured that drinking in that state would just make it worse, though it could have also helped to take some of the edge off, who knows. 

This lasted about an hour before we went off to the venue, and here's where I begin to slightly fall apart. 

I knew one person, kind of. This person that I had met at a comic con and hung out with for maybe eight hours was my only familiar connection in this whole experience, and after about 10 or 15 minutes, that connection was severed. Not in a negative, emotional way, really just in a physical way. I was getting a bit uncomfortable standing directly in front of a loud band, surrounded by people that I didn't know, getting loads of second-hand cigarette and weed smoke into my system, that I had to just break away. Only slightly though.

I sat down in a place that was sort of to the side of the band, where I was about as close to the speakers as I was initially, but because they were no longer pointed directly at me the sound was a bit more bearable. 

The first band that played had a few technical issues, where some audio feedback would work its way into the audio system causing a very unpleasant loud high-pitched sound, but the music was at least interesting. There was this really cute bassist who was absolutely shredding it on stage, and the whole group had a very fun energetic vibe to them, which was interesting given the style of music that they were performing. The main vocalist would do your classic, metaly "deep scream-singing" and then talk in a very soft and geek-like tone. It was interesting. 

But for the next few hours I was mostly on my own, severed from the one person that I even remotely knew. Some of the people I had met would come to check on me every once in a while, and it was nice to have that consideration and kindness from what were essentially strangers. These moments were a bit few and far between though.

At one point, I ran into someone that I had met a few days earlier and some of her friends. [Long story short: comic con friend and I got coffee. After coffee, as we were walking to our cars, my comic con friend bumped into one of her (many) friends. This new person and I exchanged introductions. End.] 

I was still uncomfortable as the night went on, but again it's that discomfort that stems from trying things that are beyond your comfort zone. I even worked up the courage to talk to the cute bassist. I'm sure my delivery was awkward but I could tell that she wasn't weirded out or anything, which was good. 

About half an hour before the concert winded down, one of the friends of the person I had met after coffee [I recognize that it might be hard to keep track of who I'm talking about but come on how do you think I felt lmao] came up to see how I was doing. Shortly after, the person I had met after coffee also joined in, and the three of us talked about how the night was going and all the expected pleasantries. And then it was time to go :) 

My comic con friend reappeared and asked if I needed a ride back to the friend hangout house. I was a bit surprised by this question as I figured it was sort of implied that the people who brought me there would also be the ones to take me back. I said "yes" of course because if I said "no" I would be fucked. But then the post-coffee friend offered to give me a ride and (not knowing what to do in that situation as I was completely caught off guard), I said "yes." And so off I go into a car with people that I had met 40 minutes ago, back to a house with people I had met a few hours ago... as well as some new people...

So I have no idea how this happened, but remember the band with the cute bassist? It turns out they ended up hanging out at the friend gamer pad, and I was freaking out. At this point I was beyond socially drained, and sort of just wanted to go home. And here I go being placed in ANOTHER odd situation that I would never have seen coming. Admittedly the rest of the night was really nothing to write home about. Alcohol, cigarettes, weed, nothing fancy. I hardly said a word to the bassist, the bulk of the interaction stemmed when she and her bandmate were saying their goodbyes, and I apologized for my shyness and hoped I hadn't made them uncomfortable (I sat right next to them...) Really nice people though! If anyone is curious, their band is Trash Baguette. 

As the night goes on, I start to get incredibly sleepy and close my eyes on the couch. Thankfully this does not lead to me waking up the next day in yet another unseen scenario. Instead, the after-coffee friend and the friend of the after-coffee friend offered to give me a ride home, as they were also getting ready to head home for the night. I agreed and they took me home!

The three of us chatted along the way and apparently, the opposite of before coffee friend lived in the same apartments that I'm currently living in now. Crazy[!!]. As I was stepping out of the car though, I was asked a very peculiar question by the before not tea and not soda friend...

"Are you single?" 

Super odd! Threw me completely off! I offered what I think was a sheepish smile and a "yes." The two then take a quick glance at each other. For reference, I could be wrong, but it's worth mentioning that I believe that the preceding-hot-beverage friend is bi, and that her friend is gay. Though I could be mistaken.

So that was interesting. 

"Oh nice, are you straight?"

HUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HOMIE GIVE ME A GOD DAMN BREAK LMAO I FUCKING CANT

"Pan."

And the two once again turn towards each other. It was very comical and if I'm being honest it felt kinda nice. It's not often that I get that sort of validation from people I don't really know. In fact I don't think I've ever gotten that validation... But it was nice! 

"You are very attractive." 

I'M FUCKING DEAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDDD

"Oh, thank you! (ノ*°▽°*) " 

FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK

After saying my goodbyes, I headed into my apartment, took a quick shower, changed into my jammies, and went straight to bed. 

All in all, it was a super fun experience and I'm really glad that I did it! It was far from easy though, and not something that I would have done even a year ago, but I'm glad I went! I hope that I can keep in contact with some (or even all) of those people. It's kinda nice to be somewhere with people, away from the dreary walls of my apartment and the mundane atmosphere of work. We'll see what happens! I know that it's my comic con friend's birthday next month, so I'll see if I can muster up the courage to go to that as well (assuming people still want to talk to me after all of that and that they don't think I'm a creep).

So! I can finally share the big news that I was hyping up a few days ago:

Erg has gotten his music featured in a Summoning Salt video! 

I was absolutely losing it when he told me; I just couldn't believe it. I'd always wished that more people would listen to his music, and it looks like that's finally starting to be the case! I won't go into the details of the conversation (obviously), so this post won't be nearly as long as the subject matter actually entails, but I mostly just wanted to have a record of this huge event and have another place where the video is mentioned so that more people will know about it. (Not that I have any reach or anything like that but it still gives me a sense of fulfillment to support my friends.)

I'm so incredibly happy for Erg and I really hope that this leads to more people listening to his stuff and who knows, maybe even bigger opportunities for him!

Admittedly, there might be just a little bit more to this news, but that's all I will say on the subject for now. 

That's it!

Listen to Erg's music!

You know the drill.

See you in four months!!

HOLY FUCKING BINGLE I HAVE BEEN INFORMED OF SOME HUGE NEWS. It doesn't involve me at all but this is SUCH a BIG thing and I refuse to talk about it until it's made public. From what I've been told, Saturday is the day that the BIG news drops, and I can't wait!! I honestly just needed a place to talk about this and scream into a void about how excited I am holy shit!!!

Hello everyone! I'm finally starting to tackle some of the things I've been meaning to get done for the last two years! The website appears to be coming along and admittedly, I'm not really sure what the whole point of it is. I just remember a few years ago thinking that it might be a good idea to reserve the domain name, and when I saw that it was only $12 for an entire year, I figured there was no reason not to go for it!

I'm using Google Sites as the webpage editor, and it's pretty restrictive on what you can actually do. I don't mind though. Eventually I might have some ideas for a "proper" website, but for now I mainly just want to have fun with it. 

I don't really expect to update this Blog portion very often, but I hope that every once in a while I'll have something silly to share (if you're reading this in 2024 and this is the only post on here: Oops lol).

Like this last weekend, I went to my first ever comic con! I was really nervous about the whole thing. Initially I had thought about going in with a cosplay, but I wasn't sure if people actually cosplayed at comic con (it sounds dumb, I know), and I was afraid of being the one dweeb in cosplay, so to avoid any potential embarrassment, I just went in femboy mode instead. But five steps into the convention center, who else do I see but the real Hatsune Miku (or some guy in a cosplay, idk it's hard to tell most times) and realized just how wrong I was. So, after walking around for about half an hour and seeing some of the incredible things that people had come up with, I headed back home to find something to wear. 

I was hoping to pick something easily recognizable, while still being unique enough that people would want to talk to me and maybe take a photo 🥺 And that was genuinely my plan - cosplay something interesting enough that people would want to talk to me and maybe I'd make a friend (or at least, not be lonely the entire time I was at the con). And so the choice was obvious: Gerudo Link.

After seeing a whole slew of characters from the Mario games, I figured that most people would be familiar with a classic Nintendo franchise, and people seem to LOVE the Legend of Zelda (especially Breath of the Wild), so it seemed like a fitting choice. It ended up taking me over an hour to get ready, though most of it was trying to figure out how to do my hair if I'm being honest. But once I was done, I drove back to comic con ready to be a Social Andy. 

But don't get me wrong, I was still incredibly nervous; now comforted by the fact that there were a lot of people in really interesting cosplays at the con, I was still afraid that my choice would be considered upsetting or inappropriate and that someone would say something. Thankfully though these fears were also quickly dispelled - a lot of people loved it and asked for pictures, and I was more than happy to oblige!

I'm not sure if this is the appropriate word to use but it felt... heartwarming... to be approached with open arms by strangers you've never met offering an overwhelming sense of kindness and support... it was nice...

At one point I came across a booth that was run by a really cool Tifa cosplayer who was signing people up for the cosplay contest. She was incredibly nice and was even gently encouraging me to sign up for the cosplay contest. There was a bit of an awkward moment where she thought I was a bit younger than I actually was but we both laughed it off. I was a bit nervous about signing up, but at this point I was deep in the "Fuck it, we ball" mindset, and signed myself up.

And shortly after this, something amazing happened.

Recently I have come to the conclusion that the only way I'll be able to make friends in person is if I go into a social venue and get adopted by an extrovert.

So, I stopped at one of the booths, not at all interested in what was being sold (Funko Pops), when I was approached by someone in a Twilight Princess Link cosplay. We took a few photos, chatted for a bit, and found out we were both signed up for the cosplay contest! During this though, someone else saw the two Links chatting and wanted a photo, and then suggested we both sign up for the group cosplay contest.

"Fuck it we ball."

So we signed up!

It would have been a few hours before the cosplay contest, so they invited me to walk around the convention with them. By the time the day was over, I had made a new friend!!

As someone who is incredibly shy and greatly struggles with social settings, the entire day was a big deal for me. Although I was hesitant about putting myself into a social scenario like this, I'm so glad that I did!